I can't sleep tonight. My mind is racing. The husband has been undergoing some pretty major stuff in the past 9 months. And tonight I can't get my mind off the biopsy that he will be having in the next few days to determine what the mass in his chest is. This, after he had the tail of his pancreas and spleen removed in April, which contained a malignant tumor.
I have been doing pretty well up to this point in remaining positive and not allowing myself to think about all of this longer than is necessary. But tonight, in the stillness of my house, cancer is screaming at me. And it can't be ignored. All of the what if's and what will I do's are racing through my head.
We have witnessed miracles and felt of God's love throughout this process and I know that the Lord is in control. I know that whatever happens will be what is supposed to happen. I know that our Heavenly Father is aware of us and our desires.
I sure do love that husband of mine. And I sure do hope he is around a long time. Because I don't want to go to graduations, missionary farewells and weddings without him.
Things will work out just as they should. In this I have faith.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes when I see or hear or read something I have an automatic intense emotional response.
Sometimes I feel my throat begin to swell, water pools in my eyes and my heart burns.
Sometimes I can control the tears, the lump in the throat, the warmth in my heart.
And sometimes I cannot.
Like, when I am preparing a lesson for the young women and I read something written in response to a question I asked all the young men in the ward to answer in preparation for this lesson.
Sometimes the things they say touch me.
Sometimes I feel my throat begin to swell, water pools in my eyes and my heart burns.
Sometimes I can control the tears, the lump in the throat, the warmth in my heart.
And sometimes I cannot.
Like, when I am preparing a lesson for the young women and I read something written in response to a question I asked all the young men in the ward to answer in preparation for this lesson.
Sometimes the things they say touch me.
What do you look for
in the young women
you date?
Sometimes I just have to let the lump in the throat grow
blink my eyes so the tears fall
take a breath and feel my heart warm to the words.
Sometimes the answers are the answer.
i want a girl
that will keep me
completely away
from any immoral activity
or temptation.
that will keep me
completely away
from any immoral activity
or temptation.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Dreaming
The husband woke up this morning and told me he had some pretty ridiculous dreams last night. I asked if they included Weiss and Marshall playing poker in Sidney's kitchen-- just as she is parking her Suburban in there. The reason I asked is because that is the episode of Alias we watched last night, right before going to bed. It was the episode where Sidney is trying to regain her memory through some interesting dream sequences. He told me that, no, that wasn't what his dream was about. It was something stranger.
Then, at 6:58 am, there was a knock on our door. It was the guy who is going to be building one of the husband's real-life dreams. Since we have been married, the husband has wanted a sports court. And today, that dream is becoming a reality.
He told me, as I was mopping the floor this morning, that this is a dream he never thought he would ever see to fruition. And in that moment, my heart smiled, because today a dream is being granted to the most amazing man in my life. And he deserves it.
His comment on not ever thinking this dream would happen made me stop and be grateful that we are doing it. We are building the sports court even before landscaping our yard. I realized that the court is a want. A big want. And not a necessity. The yard, on the other hand- while also a want, is more of a necessity and will always outrank a sports court. And I am so happy we are building the court before the yard. The yard will happen. But, the sports court might never happen, because it will always be put on the back burner. And the children are young, this is something they can use now and for years to come.
A couple months ago when we were discussing the court, I could see how exciting it was to the husband. But, he dismissed it and said we should focus on other things. And he was sincere, but you can tell when someone really wants something so badly they can taste it, yet they will sacrifice for the greater good. Plus, we had just begun fencing in our yard, which was quite a blow to the savings account, and he didn't want to add another expense. But, together we decided to move forward with the court.
The children are giddy with anticipation of the completion of the court. We are prepared to have a wicked horse tournament at our house to celebrate when it is all done. I think this dream of the husband's is one of the dreams that I never knew I had. The kind that you don't remember until something happens that reminds you of them. So glad the husband reminded me.
Hooray for dreams coming true! Except, hopefully the dream the husband had last night does not come true. Just sports court dreams. We can handle those.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Getting Through
This morning my little family finished a five year journey.
Every weekday morning for the past five years we have spent fifteen minutes (give or take) reading sacred scripture. It begins by gathering sleepy children, singing a hymn or primary song and then each of us takes a turn reading one verse. That's it. We only read one verse each. At this rate, I didn't know if we would ever get through the Book of Mormon. After each of us read a verse, or sometimes in the midst of the verses, we would discuss the principles being taught, the story line, the people mentioned, the counsel we were being given.
Our study of the Book of Mormon has evolved over the years. We started when oldest daughter was not even a toddler. We would read from the illustrated Book of Mormon, a book that takes the stories from the Book of Mormon and abridges them with pictures and captions. As our family grew, we continued our daily study from this illustrated book.
Finally, when oldest daughter started Kindergarten, we decided it was time to open the genuine book. We began a study from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. When we began, there were only two members of the family who could read on their own- the husband and me. So, as it was one of the children's turn, one of us would read their verse and the children would repeat what was read. As we finished today, each of us was able to read our verse all on our very own.
Our scripture time is not perfect, sometimes we are finishing a bowl of cereal or spreading peanut butter on bread for school lunches as we are reading our verses. And sometimes, like in the summer, we missed a few days here and there. The point is, though, that we sent our children and ourselves into the world each day with a special set of armor to shield, protect and strengthen us.
At the start of this week, we found ourselves in the last chapter of the last book in the Book of Mormon. So, we read a few extra verses each day to ensure that we would finish the book this week.
There are 6,604 verses in that book. Reading one verse a day, Monday through Friday, will take 5.08 years to complete the book. Upon completing the book and closing it, the husband asked the children their favorite parts. Oldest daughter loved the part where "the one man got his head cut off and he did a dead push up."
"What was that man's name?" I asked.
Without even a second thought, middle daughter burst out, "Shiz. His name was Shiz."
Last week we read about charity. After we discussed the meaning of charity, the husband counseled the family to pray to have charity. I have loved listening to the children pray over the last week that we would learn charity.
On Monday, our reading included Moroni's promise where he tells us that if we desire to know the truth of the book, we should pray to our Heavenly Father to know the truth of it and Heavenly Father will reveal the truth of it to us. Similarly, the children have included this promise in their prayers. I have eavesdropped as little voices have asked their Heavenly Father in their personal prayers to help them know if the book is true.
I have been strengthened in the realization the children have taken the teachings seriously. They have listened as we have studied. When we began a study of this book, I didn't know if we would ever get through the Book of Mormon. But, I do know one thing for sure: the Book of Mormon definitely got through us.
Every weekday morning for the past five years we have spent fifteen minutes (give or take) reading sacred scripture. It begins by gathering sleepy children, singing a hymn or primary song and then each of us takes a turn reading one verse. That's it. We only read one verse each. At this rate, I didn't know if we would ever get through the Book of Mormon. After each of us read a verse, or sometimes in the midst of the verses, we would discuss the principles being taught, the story line, the people mentioned, the counsel we were being given.
Our study of the Book of Mormon has evolved over the years. We started when oldest daughter was not even a toddler. We would read from the illustrated Book of Mormon, a book that takes the stories from the Book of Mormon and abridges them with pictures and captions. As our family grew, we continued our daily study from this illustrated book.
Finally, when oldest daughter started Kindergarten, we decided it was time to open the genuine book. We began a study from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. When we began, there were only two members of the family who could read on their own- the husband and me. So, as it was one of the children's turn, one of us would read their verse and the children would repeat what was read. As we finished today, each of us was able to read our verse all on our very own.
Our scripture time is not perfect, sometimes we are finishing a bowl of cereal or spreading peanut butter on bread for school lunches as we are reading our verses. And sometimes, like in the summer, we missed a few days here and there. The point is, though, that we sent our children and ourselves into the world each day with a special set of armor to shield, protect and strengthen us.
At the start of this week, we found ourselves in the last chapter of the last book in the Book of Mormon. So, we read a few extra verses each day to ensure that we would finish the book this week.
There are 6,604 verses in that book. Reading one verse a day, Monday through Friday, will take 5.08 years to complete the book. Upon completing the book and closing it, the husband asked the children their favorite parts. Oldest daughter loved the part where "the one man got his head cut off and he did a dead push up."
"What was that man's name?" I asked.
Without even a second thought, middle daughter burst out, "Shiz. His name was Shiz."
Last week we read about charity. After we discussed the meaning of charity, the husband counseled the family to pray to have charity. I have loved listening to the children pray over the last week that we would learn charity.
On Monday, our reading included Moroni's promise where he tells us that if we desire to know the truth of the book, we should pray to our Heavenly Father to know the truth of it and Heavenly Father will reveal the truth of it to us. Similarly, the children have included this promise in their prayers. I have eavesdropped as little voices have asked their Heavenly Father in their personal prayers to help them know if the book is true.
I have been strengthened in the realization the children have taken the teachings seriously. They have listened as we have studied. When we began a study of this book, I didn't know if we would ever get through the Book of Mormon. But, I do know one thing for sure: the Book of Mormon definitely got through us.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
living
i took a break.
a long one.
i didn't know if i wanted to blog anymore. i still don't know if i want to.
but i do know that i want to document. document life. life's important. i don't want it to pass by unrecorded. because there a lot of important lifes (yes, lifes) being lived under my roof.
and a lot of important living being lived outside of my roof.
lots of time has passed. a little girl got baptized. by her grandfather. because that's how she wanted it. and it was sacred. the husband steadied the grandfather. in the water. the two of them together, baptizing part of my world.
school ended.
summer happened.
i hiked the canyon. with some of my favorite people.
i traveled to beaches. with more of my favorite people.
i traveled to utah. with my most favorite people.
i traveled to new york. with my very most favorite person.
one of our people turned 10. a decade since i became a mom. that's a milestone. and it went un-noted.
school started and with it, the plan for a perfect life that began the second week of school. and it is brilliant. school is started. and i find myself alone all day, except for the occasional interruption from the husband who has a home office.
our smallest one started piano lessons. and our oldest one started violin. and now with all three playing piano, i wonder if we should invest in two more pianos to accommodate practicing. but, not really. one is fine.
i feel like i am finally getting the hang of this mother thing. 10 years later. but, that's this week. maybe next week i'll have to figure it out all over again.
my love for the husband is greater than i ever thought possible. i watch him attend meetings, work a day that goes from sun-up to sun-down and beyond, engage the children, support my every request-- and i wonder how can one girl be so blessed?
all these things and not a mention. until now.
it must be documented.
there's a lot of living going on here. and it feels good to be documenting.
a long one.
i didn't know if i wanted to blog anymore. i still don't know if i want to.
but i do know that i want to document. document life. life's important. i don't want it to pass by unrecorded. because there a lot of important lifes (yes, lifes) being lived under my roof.
and a lot of important living being lived outside of my roof.
lots of time has passed. a little girl got baptized. by her grandfather. because that's how she wanted it. and it was sacred. the husband steadied the grandfather. in the water. the two of them together, baptizing part of my world.
school ended.
summer happened.
i hiked the canyon. with some of my favorite people.
i traveled to beaches. with more of my favorite people.
i traveled to utah. with my most favorite people.
i traveled to new york. with my very most favorite person.
one of our people turned 10. a decade since i became a mom. that's a milestone. and it went un-noted.
school started and with it, the plan for a perfect life that began the second week of school. and it is brilliant. school is started. and i find myself alone all day, except for the occasional interruption from the husband who has a home office.
our smallest one started piano lessons. and our oldest one started violin. and now with all three playing piano, i wonder if we should invest in two more pianos to accommodate practicing. but, not really. one is fine.
i feel like i am finally getting the hang of this mother thing. 10 years later. but, that's this week. maybe next week i'll have to figure it out all over again.
my love for the husband is greater than i ever thought possible. i watch him attend meetings, work a day that goes from sun-up to sun-down and beyond, engage the children, support my every request-- and i wonder how can one girl be so blessed?
all these things and not a mention. until now.
it must be documented.
there's a lot of living going on here. and it feels good to be documenting.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Midnight Miscellany
It's 1:40 am (even though blogger says it's 12:35). I can't sleep. Here's what's going on:
I have the worst cold ever. Can't stop coughing. Can't. I've been lying in bed forever, trying to cough silently so I don't wake the husband. It's not working. Even coughing into a pillow is bad news.
During the moments when I'm not coughing, my mind is racing. These are the topics running around and around in my stuffed-up head:
-the empty lot next to our home that the husband wants to purchase
-the well the husband wants to drill that will be impossible to drill if we purchase the lot, because, well, finances
-the renters who are moving out of our rental house
-the utilities that I need to switch back to our name once they are all moved
-the extra mortgage payment we will be making until our new renters move in
-how blessed we are to have new renters already, and I can't believe they are renting our house without having even looked inside yet.
-even with this awful cold, I swear my house smells like chicken poo (explanation? we have baby chicks- that are not so baby anymore. We got them New Year's Day- they have been residing in our garage. They are stinky little birds. Fowl is the correct term for birds. They smell fowl. And I feel like their poo smell is infiltrating my house. I want to completely seal off my garage door for a while. I can't wait for the day they are 16 weeks and able to live with the big chickens. Outside. It is so proper for chickens to live outside.)
-I need to be up in 4 hours so I can make a lovely Valentine's breakfast for my favorite little people in the whole world.
-those people who trudged through Venezuela in the Discovery channel's "Out of the Wild" program (yay for netflix)-- is that similar to what the pioneers experienced or not?
-how come the bank that holds our mortgage hasn't sent the mortgage interest statement yet? I must remember to call on that tomorrow, er, today.
-must get all the tax info to the accountant.
-etc, etc
That's just a sampling of the contents of my brain. Oh, plus, I sure hope we do get some of that rain that is a 50% possibility. Love the smell of rain. Rain smell definitely trumps chicken poo smell.
I have the worst cold ever. Can't stop coughing. Can't. I've been lying in bed forever, trying to cough silently so I don't wake the husband. It's not working. Even coughing into a pillow is bad news.
During the moments when I'm not coughing, my mind is racing. These are the topics running around and around in my stuffed-up head:
-the empty lot next to our home that the husband wants to purchase
-the well the husband wants to drill that will be impossible to drill if we purchase the lot, because, well, finances
-the renters who are moving out of our rental house
-the utilities that I need to switch back to our name once they are all moved
-the extra mortgage payment we will be making until our new renters move in
-how blessed we are to have new renters already, and I can't believe they are renting our house without having even looked inside yet.
-even with this awful cold, I swear my house smells like chicken poo (explanation? we have baby chicks- that are not so baby anymore. We got them New Year's Day- they have been residing in our garage. They are stinky little birds. Fowl is the correct term for birds. They smell fowl. And I feel like their poo smell is infiltrating my house. I want to completely seal off my garage door for a while. I can't wait for the day they are 16 weeks and able to live with the big chickens. Outside. It is so proper for chickens to live outside.)
-I need to be up in 4 hours so I can make a lovely Valentine's breakfast for my favorite little people in the whole world.
-those people who trudged through Venezuela in the Discovery channel's "Out of the Wild" program (yay for netflix)-- is that similar to what the pioneers experienced or not?
-how come the bank that holds our mortgage hasn't sent the mortgage interest statement yet? I must remember to call on that tomorrow, er, today.
-must get all the tax info to the accountant.
-etc, etc
That's just a sampling of the contents of my brain. Oh, plus, I sure hope we do get some of that rain that is a 50% possibility. Love the smell of rain. Rain smell definitely trumps chicken poo smell.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I can't go on if I'm on my own.
1986.
Age 14.
Austin, Texas.
Chicago concert.
My two older sisters and myself.
And my boyfriend Dylan (who was somewhere in the crowd, but not with us)
I went there today.
I was on my way to Wal-Mart to purchase crayons and conversation hearts for little son's class, when Chicago's "Will You Still Love Me" came on the radio. It took me back 26 years.
My two older sisters and myself went to that concert in my dad's powder blue Chevy Luv pick up truck with the woven seat covers. It was awesome. I got a concert t-shirt that I'm pretty sure I wore at least once a week til 1990.
My very first ever real boyfriend, Dylan, was there. And, since dating was not an option for me until the age of 16, we did not go together. But it was so romantic knowing that he was there, somewhere, in that crowd of people.
My sisters liked to make fun of Dylan and me. I was a good 2 inches taller than he was. And he lived in a town called Pflugerville, 30 minutes away. And really, we only got to see each other at mutual (youth activities) on Wednesday nights. And we only really got to be together once a month at the Stake youth dances. But, we were a couple.
We met at my first Stake dance. He asked me to dance. And we danced a lot of slow songs. Plus the last dance. Last dances were important back then. Are they still? They made a statement, kind of like a miner staking his claim. And so, when I saw him at mutual the next Wednesday he got my phone number and programmed it into his calculator watch. I thought that was so cool.
We talked on the phone whenever either of us had saved up enough babysitting money to pay our parents for the phone bill. And he came to my basketball games whenever our school played against his. And he would watch me sit on the bench for most of the game. Pretty sure he was impressed.
But, we wrote letters. And he would spray his with cologne. And sometimes it made me sick to my stomach when he signed them with "I love you." Once he included a practical joke in one of his letters. Inside the letter was a small manila envelope labeled "Rattlesnake Eggs" and when it was opened, it made something rattle and jump out. Really, it was only a paper clip twisted up in a rubber band so that as it was opened it unwound and rattled against the side of the envelope. And scared people. Such a sweet gesture.
In one letter he included his football picture. 7th grade football players are pretty small. But I thought he was so handsome.
For Valentine's Day he gave me a beautiful sterling silver bracelet. It smelled like him. Until it didn't anymore. And then, it smelled like me. And pretty soon after that, I started feeling like I was being bad for having a boyfriend. So, I broke up with him. And gave him back the bracelet.
But this Chicago song I heard today, it was our song. And it told me I can't go on if I'm on my own. And somehow I still found the strength to break things off. Because I felt guilty for having a boyfriend before I was 16.
I wonder if he still loved me for the rest of his life-- like the song said. And I wonder if he is still going on.
Pretty sure he is. Because I am.
I just wish I would have kept the bracelet.
Age 14.
Austin, Texas.
Chicago concert.
My two older sisters and myself.
And my boyfriend Dylan (who was somewhere in the crowd, but not with us)
I went there today.
I was on my way to Wal-Mart to purchase crayons and conversation hearts for little son's class, when Chicago's "Will You Still Love Me" came on the radio. It took me back 26 years.
My two older sisters and myself went to that concert in my dad's powder blue Chevy Luv pick up truck with the woven seat covers. It was awesome. I got a concert t-shirt that I'm pretty sure I wore at least once a week til 1990.
My very first ever real boyfriend, Dylan, was there. And, since dating was not an option for me until the age of 16, we did not go together. But it was so romantic knowing that he was there, somewhere, in that crowd of people.
My sisters liked to make fun of Dylan and me. I was a good 2 inches taller than he was. And he lived in a town called Pflugerville, 30 minutes away. And really, we only got to see each other at mutual (youth activities) on Wednesday nights. And we only really got to be together once a month at the Stake youth dances. But, we were a couple.
We met at my first Stake dance. He asked me to dance. And we danced a lot of slow songs. Plus the last dance. Last dances were important back then. Are they still? They made a statement, kind of like a miner staking his claim. And so, when I saw him at mutual the next Wednesday he got my phone number and programmed it into his calculator watch. I thought that was so cool.
We talked on the phone whenever either of us had saved up enough babysitting money to pay our parents for the phone bill. And he came to my basketball games whenever our school played against his. And he would watch me sit on the bench for most of the game. Pretty sure he was impressed.
But, we wrote letters. And he would spray his with cologne. And sometimes it made me sick to my stomach when he signed them with "I love you." Once he included a practical joke in one of his letters. Inside the letter was a small manila envelope labeled "Rattlesnake Eggs" and when it was opened, it made something rattle and jump out. Really, it was only a paper clip twisted up in a rubber band so that as it was opened it unwound and rattled against the side of the envelope. And scared people. Such a sweet gesture.
In one letter he included his football picture. 7th grade football players are pretty small. But I thought he was so handsome.
For Valentine's Day he gave me a beautiful sterling silver bracelet. It smelled like him. Until it didn't anymore. And then, it smelled like me. And pretty soon after that, I started feeling like I was being bad for having a boyfriend. So, I broke up with him. And gave him back the bracelet.
But this Chicago song I heard today, it was our song. And it told me I can't go on if I'm on my own. And somehow I still found the strength to break things off. Because I felt guilty for having a boyfriend before I was 16.
I wonder if he still loved me for the rest of his life-- like the song said. And I wonder if he is still going on.
Pretty sure he is. Because I am.
I just wish I would have kept the bracelet.
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