Thursday, February 26, 2009

Stakeout

In my next life I believe I shall return as a CIA agent. Because I am nothing if not observant.

I could provide loads of historical examples and instances, but in the interest of keeping you here on this blog and ensuring that you aren't tempted to click over to someone else's more interesting blog, I will spare all the "for examples" and get to the point.

But first let me say that I know I would rock as CIA because I have great fingernails. And in the event of an all-out karate fight, and when my karate moves are failing me, I can turn to those fingernails. And they would totally come in handy when hindering bad guys. Plus, I have mom skills. And those are some pretty good skills.

Ahem.

Oldest daughter had piano lessons yesterday and I found myself without my other two kiddos, so I decided to do a bit of recreational window shopping. The bummer here is that her lesson only lasts 1/2 hour and the bigger bummer is that the closest store is K-Mart. So off to K-Mart I went for an uninterrupted 1/2 hour of browsing.

Have you been to K-Mart lately? Because of the piano lesson proximity, I have been there 3 times in the last 2 months and I find it to be WAY overpriced. Like, extremely. But, you know, it's close to piano lessons.

As I was roaming through the store I observed a man (Caucasian, mid-20s) pantomiming a message to two shoppers (a man and a woman) across the store- maybe 20 ft away. As I watch Caucasian man, I recognize he is telling the two shoppers to keep an eye on a large woman and her male shopping partner.

Instantly the scenario plays out in my head: the Caucasian man is a store manager. The two shoppers are undercover and the large woman and her male friend must be shoplifting.

Of course, I had to get in on the action, so I began to trail the whole entourage through the store so that I didn't miss a moment of the action. I wanted to be there when the whole bust went down.

Accordingly, I covertly begin to look at the pajamas, keeping the large lady and her friend in sight. They are in the lingerie section. The dude is checking out red lace panties. And his fingernails are painted a maroon-ish color. Weird. But, whatever. This is not my concern. My concern is that the undercover couple keep an eye on the large lady and the underwear guy. So, I check for the undercover peeps location and see they are not far off- and watching. Watching, always watching. And then, I try to get a location on the manager guy. He is peeking around the socks. Also watching. Good. We are all on target.

I went around the store like this for like 20 minutes. And I was getting anxious. Because at one point, the large lady and her buddy gave us all the slip. And we didn't know their 20 for just a bit. And then we found them. I think someone in electronics was instrumental in helping us find them. I know it was electronics because, like I said, I am observant.

But mostly I was cracking up at the white manager dude, because he was totally conspicuous. Like, walking quickly to keep up with them on the ends of aisles and then slowing way down when he might be visible to the suspects. Not very CIA. Doesn't he watch Chuck? Or Alias? The undercover shopper couple was playing it cool. Just "shopping" and carrying a couple items around the store with them. Very good cover.

And then my time was up. I had to go and pick up oldest daughter from her lesson. And everyone involved never suspected that I was on to them. I shall never know what happened. Although, I believe the CIA will be calling at any minute. They need me. I'm sticking close to the phone today.

And just so you know, that guy with the red lace panties carried them throughout the store.

And as I made my exit, the white manager was speed-walking to catch up and peeking around end caps. In the cosmetics section.

Dead giveaway.





PS- Happy Birthday to my lovely mother. You know, mom, if it weren't for you...

17 comments:

Shauna said...

Thanks for the much needed smile :)

Kellie said...

Ha! If I ever have a crime to solve, I'm totally calling you!

cmom said...

I never knew waiting for piano students could be so much fun. I missed out in all the hundreds of hours I've waited.

Karen said...

Very funny story!

My first job after high school was a cashier at the local KMart. Our security guy was the most conspicuous guy on the planet. All the kids knew when he was watching for shoplifters. It was laughable.

KMart will never learn, I guess.

JMadd said...

What I need to know is were the red lace panties the large woman's size? Cuz if not, what's the point of shoplifting underwears that aren't going to fit your girlfriend?

corrychronicles said...

Okay Stephanie, I love to read your blog because you have such great writing skills, and apparently great CIA skills as well. I had a great laugh for the day, thanks.

Mechelle said...

way to funny! to bad you couldn't have gone back, that would have been conspicuous of you, haha!

mom and dad said...

Oh ,and you are just now realizing that you would make a great sluth? All your life you have hammered out things from the fam! Your are a sharpe gal though I must say. How about making up an ending for your story? I want to hear more. And yes, if it weren't for me...Thank you for the sweet birthday wish dear daughter. I love you and all of your wonderful abilities! LAAF mom

Jo Dee said...

I think it takes a real man to carry lace panties through a store and not even blinking an eye!

That Girl in Brazil said...

I'll be your partner, girl - just name the time and place.

wonder woman said...

K-mart is exceptionally overpriced. You'd think they wouldn't be with Martha stealing all that money from Enron, but whatever.

I will lie awake tonight, wondering if they really were shoplifters.

The Robinsons said...

I would have loved to see you "watching" this all go down!

Dawn and Dave said...

I almost forgot just how great and fun you are!!! i'm still laughing partly cuz i'm still at wal-mart and we deal with the same craziness. Now i know who to call--24/7 or what?!?

Ashley said...

That is hilarious! What a great story! I haven't been to a K-Mart in forever. I was wondering recently what happened to all of those?

Mrs4444 said...

That's funny. I was afraid you were going to be late picking up your daughter, but you are too smart for that, too!

found you at Blog Stalkers...

Sarah said...

Hahaha! I love that you learned your skills from Alias and Chuck! I guess this guy chose the red. :)

Nathan said...

Not a bad day's work for a soon-to-be CIA agent. It's just lucky the two shoplifters didn't try anything crazy. They would have had to answer to your fingernails, and I'm sure that wouldn't have been pretty.