Chasing Motherhood- Part I

Welcome to

Tune In Tuesday!!

As promised,

I have jotted down some of

my thoughts on motherhood.

Let's get started,

shall we?

I have been contemplating writing this post for over two months now. And I am continually haunted by the text that plays across the computer screen in my mind. The little ghost of this post just won't leave me alone. So I have decided to write it- and let that little ghost rest. In peace, I hope.

The idea for this post was born from the parenting class I taught just about two months ago. Really, it was born from the very last thing I said in that class- and people keep talking to me about it. And I have finally come to realize that others have had the same feelings. And I know that the evolution of it cannot be contained in one post. Enter my first three part series.

I have always wanted to be a mother. To raise a family. I think that it must be because I have an angel mother- one who is the epitome of all that a mother should be. Good examples truly inspire. And so, as I grew up, my greatest desire was to be a mother. And it probably didn't hurt that I was raised in a loving family- two parents who respected and loved one another and seven children who they gathered under their wings.

I genuinely love my siblings. They are my best friends in the world. We get along well. We want to be around each other. And we laugh together. A lot. And they are my biggest role models. I don't know how I lucked out to be in a family with them.

Growing up, when I was asked how many children I wanted, my usual response was "How ever many the Lord blesses me with." And that's how I truly felt.

In my mind, that meant that I wanted many children. No number to limit myself- just a quiver full of children. Whatever that meant. And I wanted to have them close together and be done by age 30. So I could be a young, fun mom. I didn't know that it would take me years after I was married to be blessed with children.

The husband and I were married in 1996.

He also came from a large family- six children. A family where, much like mine, gospel principles were taught and love overflowed out the front door, onto the street and down the hill.

Naturally, both of us had desires for a family, but we were both students at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, when we married and decided to wait just a bit before we began the quest for children. And so we did. Waited just a bit. 6 months to be exact. That's all we could handle before we felt that need to get started. We expected to be pregnant right away. Like the next day, I think. And we weren't. But we were not discouraged, we kept practicing. And practicing. We enjoyed it.

Pretty soon we were celebrating our first anniversary. Yet to have our first argument. Still in school. I was working 2 jobs and the husband was working 3. But, no pregnancy. And we were ok with it. We kept telling ourselves that practice makes perfect, and we pressed on.

Before we knew it, I graduated and started a new job working at a treatment center that treated women with eating disorders. It was the most rewarding work I had ever done in my life. I was inspired and educated every day I worked. It was a blessing in my life to associate with these amazing people- the patients and those who worked there. And it was the first indication I had that I was raised in an atypical family. And I knew that the world desperately needed more families like the one I was a part of. And my resolve to provide such a family was strengthened.

Not long after, the husband graduated and began searching for permanent employment while fulfilling his commitment to an internship. We moved from our little community of married student housing into the town of the husband's youth and the home of the husband's grandmother. She had been battling Alzheimer's and was finally moved to a care facility, leaving her home empty and needing someone to occupy it.

We lived just down the hill from the husband's parents and had the pleasure of visiting them more frequently. Although, we had been spending Monday evenings with them for Family Home Evening (and laundry) since the early days of our happily ever after.

As for our little family, it was still just the two of us. And I had begun fertility medications in the hopes that we would soon be blessed with a little bundle.

But the stork was slow in coming.

And here we were, celebrating our 4th anniversary. Where had the time gone?

Soon the internship was completed and the husband began searching for employment in earnest. And it was decided we would move to Phoenix. I was thrilled to be moving "home," since my family all resided in the Phoenix area.

In preparation for the move, we sold our old red Ford Ranger, gave our plaid couches and iron to the neighbors (whom the husband was convinced were participants in the witness relocation program), packed up the U-Haul and bid farewell to the college town I had come to love, anticipating real life and the adventures that were sure to accompany it.