Friday, October 23, 2009

Howdy Mamm.

I'm here to tell you sisters, the mammogram is NTBAD (looks like not bad, but what it really means is Not That Big A Deal). Seriously, this is how it goes:
  • you walk in and get your paperwork
  • fill it out
  • hand the receptionist your insurance card
  • watch a little "Enchanted" while you wait
  • listen to the lady beside you have 3 separate phone conversations in the short span of 5 minutes
  • when the lady is done asking her friend on the phone to watch her kids while she and her hubby go to Williams, AZ-- be sure to know what movie is playing, because she may ask you if you have kids and if you know what that movie is- because she has never seen it and isn't sure what it is called, but she would have been up all night trying to remember what the name of it was, so Thank You, you saved her the trouble of staying up all night
  • the lady will also keep you abreast :) of the whole waiting room situation
  • she will tell you, with a shake of the head, that the little 15 year old girl who just walked out was here for an ultrasound
  • you will want to defend the girl's honor and tell her that ultrasounds are used to diagnose many things beside pregnancy, but you just can't get a word in edgewise
  • then your name will be called and you will follow a nice, nice lady down the hall to the digital mammography room
  • she will tell you to remove your shirt and bra and put on the pink gown- open in front
  • when she leaves the room, you make the change
  • she comes back in and invites you to step up to the machine
  • an apology for the coldness of the machine will soon follow her placing your right breast on a little metal shelf that she will raise to breast-height
  • and then she will lower a top shelf and tell you to let her know if it is too tight or hurts
  • you will notice that it is a snug fit, but there is no pain
  • and she will tell you to take a big breath and be still while the machine captures the image
  • all the while she is extolling the virtues of this new technology of digital mammography imaging
  • and you are agreeing that it is amazing and that she can see right away if an image is unclear so you don't have to wait for films to be developed and find that the process has to be repeated
  • of course the left breast receives equal treatment
  • once she has taken ample pictures of your husband's assets, she will invite you to get dressed, have a cookie, and fill out a survey
  • as you dress, you will decide if you want a chocolate cookie with pink m&m's or just plain chocolate chip
  • fill out the survey, being sure to comment on how pleasant the lady was and how much you liked her
  • eat your plain chocolate chip cookie
  • you are done. until next year when you receive the postcard in the mail that you printed your address on when you filled out the paperwork
  • your results will be sent to your OB/GYN in about a week
  • since one of the forms you filled out mentioned that you may request a copy of the films, you should do so- because the husband would like his very own copy to peruse- and why not? they did look pretty good up on that monitor
See? Easy Peasy.


Annette Lyon said...

Yeah, it's not too bad . . . unless they say, "Hmm. We need to take an up-close film of one section."

Then the machine SQUEEZES really hard on a tiny portion of one "asset" until you're ready to squeal like a pig, and the technician says, "Sorry, I know it hurts like ten times worse when it's on a small spot like that."

Not that I've experienced that or anything . . . :D

Chris said...

Thank you for doing this! (The Mammogram, not the blog post)

But, did you have to link the words "husbands assets" back to a blog post titled, "Time to Play?"

And, in my defense, I'm just curious in the images from a National Geographic/interesting standpoint, not some other perverse reason. I mean, who doesn't love X-ray images - soooo cool!

I love you so much dear! Such a simple doctors appointment can save lives. Thank you!!!

corrychronicles said...

I think only you could have such a postive experience and outlook on such a procedure. Glad you shared you experience so that we women can not fear it so much. THANKS!!

wonder woman said...

So very good to know.

I think I would prefer this to my OB feeling me up.

Yes. I'm much prefer a machine to another man's hands.

Mechelle said...

I don't know why, but this made me laugh. I think it was a combination of relief and the others comments. Thanks for sharing.

mom and dad said...

I don't think that you were this crazy or explicit when you were young. I'll just chalk it up to the "Chris" influence. Dad

That Girl said...


I'm already scared. Although you helped. A little.

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

Love the title of your blog by the way! And this post is reassuring, since I have yet to experience this. :-)


The Redhead Riter said...

I hate doctors.
I love doctors.
I hate doctors.
I love doctors.
I hate doctors.
I love doctors.
I hate doctors.
I love doctors.


Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

So true. Question is where do I go to get it done? Last year I made a bunch of phone calls and got stuck and gave up. I dont even know where to start.

The Head Eagle said...

Really? Not that bad?

Your depiction doesn't make it sound like a big deal. I'm still a big scared. I should be getting them....even though I'm "not of age" because of history and other reasons...

You've almost got me convinced it wouldn't be a bad thing.

P.S. Love the post title. Very creative my BLU lovin' friend!