Howdy Mamm.

I'm here to tell you sisters, the mammogram is NTBAD (looks like not bad, but what it really means is Not That Big A Deal). Seriously, this is how it goes:

• you walk in and get your paperwork
• fill it out
• hand the receptionist your insurance card
• watch a little "Enchanted" while you wait
• listen to the lady beside you have 3 separate phone conversations in the short span of 5 minutes
• when the lady is done asking her friend on the phone to watch her kids while she and her hubby go to Williams, AZ-- be sure to know what movie is playing, because she may ask you if you have kids and if you know what that movie is- because she has never seen it and isn't sure what it is called, but she would have been up all night trying to remember what the name of it was, so Thank You, you saved her the trouble of staying up all night
• the lady will also keep you abreast :) of the whole waiting room situation
• she will tell you, with a shake of the head, that the little 15 year old girl who just walked out was here for an ultrasound
• you will want to defend the girl's honor and tell her that ultrasounds are used to diagnose many things beside pregnancy, but you just can't get a word in edgewise
• then your name will be called and you will follow a nice, nice lady down the hall to the digital mammography room
• she will tell you to remove your shirt and bra and put on the pink gown- open in front
• when she leaves the room, you make the change
• she comes back in and invites you to step up to the machine
• an apology for the coldness of the machine will soon follow her placing your right breast on a little metal shelf that she will raise to breast-height
• and then she will lower a top shelf and tell you to let her know if it is too tight or hurts
• you will notice that it is a snug fit, but there is no pain
• and she will tell you to take a big breath and be still while the machine captures the image
• all the while she is extolling the virtues of this new technology of digital mammography imaging
• and you are agreeing that it is amazing and that she can see right away if an image is unclear so you don't have to wait for films to be developed and find that the process has to be repeated
• of course the left breast receives equal treatment
• once she has taken ample pictures of your husband's assets, she will invite you to get dressed, have a cookie, and fill out a survey
• as you dress, you will decide if you want a chocolate cookie with pink m&m's or just plain chocolate chip
• fill out the survey, being sure to comment on how pleasant the lady was and how much you liked her
• eat your plain chocolate chip cookie
• you are done. until next year when you receive the postcard in the mail that you printed your address on when you filled out the paperwork
• your results will be sent to your OB/GYN in about a week
• since one of the forms you filled out mentioned that you may request a copy of the films, you should do so- because the husband would like his very own copy to peruse- and why not? they did look pretty good up on that monitor

See? Easy Peasy.