Happy Birthday My Dear

why spiderman? c'mon, who wouldn't want a spiderman cake?

i am once again sneaking around at three o'clock in the morning to post on this blog without my wife's permission.

(side note: as i was writing this, i had to find out where the term "o'clock" came from. i knew i must honor my wife who says i'm a know-it-all by finding out the origins of the term. apparently it means "of the clock" which i already knew, but i didn't know that the phrase means "according to the clock" or according to time as measured by the clock as opposed to time measured by the sun. anyway...)

many of you know that today is my lovely and beautiful wife's birthday. she is now three years older than me for another month and seven days (my birthday). At that time she'll go back to the normal two years older than me for nearly another 11 months.

(another side note: many great men married women older than them. george washington, abraham lincoln, joseph smith. not that I compare myself to them, but it gives me comfort that there is hope for me. and yes, my birthday is dec. 16.)

yet another year has gone by since her last birthday. growing up, her family apparently had the coolest traditions on birthdays that i, as the husband, have failed to replicate on her birthdays.

it's not that i don't try. i just fail miserably. i literally stress about her birthday for weeks in advance. i put a reminder in my outlook calendar, my phone, etc. so that i will be prepared each year. it reminds me each day for one month prior to her birthday that the day of reckoning is approaching. these reminders cause me stress, as does the thought of her birthday. the stress causes procrastination, and each day i say to myself, "tomorrow i will go and get her present." i search google for "gifts for wife," "gift for loved ones," etc. i ask colleagues what to do. i ask family. i take notes of everything when she speaks those words, "that would be nice to have." and yet, i still find myself running out the day or two before her birthday in a mad panic trying to buy the perfect gift.

i never seem to get the perfect gift.

on her birthday, i give the gift i have chosen for her, and she acts pleased for a few minutes. then she is usually sad for the rest of the day as i have once again failed in my husbandly duties to make her day as special as her mom, dad, sisters and brothers did. frequently, the gift is returned to the store in the days following the birthday in favor of a more appropriate gift that is should have gotten. i'm fine with this. both of us feel that it is appropriate, and i would theoretically do the same on gifts she gives to me that i don't like. but she always gets me the right gift.

i wonder how this year will turn out. i let the kids pick their own presents for mom this year. i even got one based on her latest, "you should get this for me for my birthday" comment. i hope it will get a better reaction than the flashlight that i let the kids get for her for mothers day. but hey, they chose it, as they didn't want her to be scared in the dark or get lost at girls camp. at least it was a gift from the heart. right?

i know, i know, i can hear your terrified screams already. i'm just not a good gift-giver. i really try, but it is just not in my nature. i hope she understands this after 12 years of marriage. if not...ummm...SUPRISE!?!

my wife is so perfect and she deserves the perfect gift. she is amazing. she is the most caring woman. the most nurturing mother. the most thoughtful and gracious friend. she is beautiful. she is sexy. she is kind. she is funny. she is spiritual. she is sensitive. she knows what is wrong without having to ask. and she is perceptive. she is forgiving. she is a hard worker. a great teacher. she is a confidant. she is loyal. she is the ideal woman. she is fun. she is my best friend. she is my soul mate. she is passionate. she is my world. and she is one fine woman.

i don't deserve you dear and i know it. i pray that i may be worthy of you and your love some day.

may God bless you as my dear companion on our eternal walk together. may he complete, strengthen and give power to our marriage in a way that only he can do.

and may you have a happy birthday today.

(you should all be proud that i have learned not to tell how old she is in public. see, i'm learning!)

Put it on the Jumbo-Tron

I only have two thoughts going through my head at this precise moment: 1) I LOVE the Olympics!! and 2) I have a massive pounding headache. Since there really is no substance to item number 2, let’s just focus on my first point, shall we?

I do. I LOVE THE OLYMPICS! I love the Olympics so much I could marry them. Except, I love my husband more and we are already married (except if the Olympics were a girl, I could use another wife (and not in a polygamist sort of way- just an extra helper sort of way, which in that case what I really need is a maid) because she could help me with the cooking and cleaning and driving, blah blah blah. But that really sounds weird, so NEVERMIND). But, I think the Olympics are a boy anyway, so maybe I should just send the Olympics a little note. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. It will say something like this:


Dear Olympics,

I don’t know if you know me- we have every other year together. I am the one with the half-way curly hair. I just have to tell you that I watch you all the time. You really make me smile.

Remember that one time when Michael Phelps won like 11 gold medals? Yeah, that was cool. I’m pretty sure I could get 13, maybe 14.

I can’t believe I am about to say this, but what the heck, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! I have had a crush on you for a long time now. I have one of your shirts. I've had recurring dreams of you giving me one of your rings. In fact, my parents would have loved to see us end up together. They are the ones that introduced me to you in the first place. (they would make great in-laws)

I really loved you in Salt Lake City when we came to see you. You had it all together, you were so organized. I always knew I wanted someone like that. But I got a little intimidated because there were a lot of people vying for your affection. You were such a gentleman. You knew how to treat the ladies. You had extra port-a-potties for us at every venue. You even had hand sanitizer.

I just have to ask: if I weren’t married, would you marry me? You can just check yes or no. Or, since you have access to lots of scoreboards and stuff, you could just program a proposal into one of those and I would be like, “Oh my gosh, YES! Except I have a husband now.” But it would be cool because the whole world would see it.

I’m sorry I can’t accept your proposal right now. (Does that break your heart? Because I know for a fact that the Olympics has a big heart.) But I will be devoted to you till I die. I just gotta focus on my husband right now. You only come around every other year and he is here for me everyday. So I think you will understand when I say that I just owe it to him.

I will tell my children and grandchildren about you! Let’s still be friends. Don’t ever change. Keep in touch, and call me over the winter.

Regretfully,
Stephanie